Revised version

Dear Mrs Obama,

If you would re-evaluate some of your health initiatives that have been implemented in schools the past few years, then you will see that while most are beneficial to all students some place the health of some above the rights of others.

An example is the healthier lunch initiatives. It is reasonable to remove foods and drinks that are overly sugary, overly fattening, or have too many calories. However, other foods that aren't necessarily "healthy", are being removed as well, and these foods should stay in schools. For these foods that are "mild junk foods", if a child becomes obese as a result of these foods it shouldn't be the schools to blame for serving them, but it is the fault of the student for choosing to eat those foods. The parents, responsible for raising their kids, would be to blame(cumulative). Their priority being education and safety, schools should not have to worry about the perceived health problems (periodic). Also, if absolutely none of these sweet foods are available, then the same children who are susceptible to obesity will eat even more of them at home. Therefore, taking such extreme measures to remove foods that shouldn't be removed is not minimizing health risks, and in some cases compounding them. Also, many kids who are able to make healthy choices for themselves are being punished because of others' choices. Being able to make wise decisions, they can have access to "junk foods" without overindulging (periodic). There is a small 16 year old boy in Saline, a town in southern Michigan. He has been getting Sun-Chips practically before remembrance (so since he was 14). The boy always made healthy decisions, and was by no means in danger of becoming over-weight. But now, as a result of your extremist initiatives, now he is left to settle for a smaller bag of Sun-Chips that also contains pretzels.

That small boy is me. My classmates and I have watched as more snacks have been removed from schools simply because they have too many calories. Longing we have each day for a small, reasonable unhealthy snack (inverted). Calories, being dependent on a number of factors, are no definitive measure of healthiness or not(cumulative). Large bags of natural fruit snacks have disappeared because they have many calories, but now diet-sodas are freely available in our cafeteria. The purpose of your campaign is to increase health, so it would make sense to target foods and drinks, like diet soda, that are legitimately harmful to kids, than to go on a witch hut of foods have such a number of calories. Poorly aimed are your efforts, targeting the wrong sources of obesity (inverted).

Sincerely yours, from the kid who wants his bag of Garden Salsa Sun-Chips,
Matt Lougheed


Sentence Length Challenge    CUMULATIVE / PERIODIC
Cumulative- The hobbit traveled to Mordor, leaving the Shire, adventuring with his friends, meeting various species, befriending a creature named Golem, being stabbed by a sword, loosing his friend and mentor to death only to have him be reincarnated, almost being eaten by a large spider, crossing rivers and fields, destroying the one ring to control all of Middle Earth, after his uncle's 111th birthday party. (64)
Periodic- Playing tennis at a tournament, partying with his awesome friends, watching How I Met Your Mother on Netflix for eight hours straight, playing the fun video game Destiny, modeling in a photo shoot, going to Speedway twice to buy a succulent slushy, eating half of a delicious apple pie, Matt procrastinated this project until Sunday unlike most of my classmates probably did. (62)

Passionate Plea

Dear Mrs Obama,

If you would re-evaluate some of your health initiatives that have been implemented in schools the past few years, then you will see that while most are beneficial to all students some place the health of some above the rights of others.

An example is the healthier lunch initiatives. It is reasonable to remove foods and drinks that are overly sugary, overly fattening, or have too many calories. However, other foods that aren't necessarily "healthy", are being removed as well, and these foods should stay in schools. For these foods that are "mild junk foods", if a child becomes obese as a result of these foods it shouldn't be the schools to blame for serving them, but it is the fault of the student for choosing to eat those foods. Also, if absolutely none of these sweet foods are available, then the same children who are susceptable to obesity will eat even more of them at home. Therefore, taking such extreme measures to remove foods that shouldn't be removed is not minimizing health risks, and in some cases compounding them. Also, many kids who are able to make healthy choices for themselves are being punished because of others' choices. There is a small 16 year old boy in Saline, A town in southern Michigan. He has been getting Sun-Chips practically before remembrence (so since he was 14). The boy always made healthy decisions, and was by no means in danger of becoming over-weight. But now, as a result of your extremist initiatives, now he is left to settle for a smaller bag of Sun-Chips that also contains pretzels.

That small boy is me. My classmates and I have watched as more snacks have been removed from schools simply because they have too many calories. Calories are no definitive measure of healthiness or not. Large bags of natural fruit snacks have disappeared because they have many calories, but now diet-sodas are freely available in our cafeteria. The purpose of your campaign is to increase health, so it would make sense to target foods and drinks, like diet soda, that are legitimately harmful to kids, than to go on a witch hut of foods have such a number of calories.

Sincerely yours from the kid who wants his bag of Garden Salsa Sun-Chips,
Matt Lougheed

Style Day 1- Revision

Revision

Too often I used complex sentences, and used the same structure for them. I even used the same subordinating conjunction. Other than that, I think that I used a good variety of sentences.

Who hasn't dreamed of creating their own world, or being able to read and change the minds of others CP? How about being an international criminal mastermind pulling off the greatest heist of all time S? Inception ties the fantasies of anyone who loves a good action movie into a mind-bending, action packed thriller. S

The story is of Dom Cobb, who uses military technology to perform corporate espionage in the one place that everyone thinks is safe, safer even than Fort Knox: their minds CPX. Cobb is on the run from the American government S. Then he is approached by a powerful Japanese business man with an offer Cobb can't refuse C. The business man will use his connections to have Cobb's charges dropped, if he and his team can pull off the impossible act of inception CP. To pull of inception, Cobb has to devise a strategy to plant an idea in the mind of for a change instead of merely stealing one S. The change seams simple enough, but Cobb and his team have to dive deep into the mind of Fischer, facing unexpected enemies from both Fischer’s mind as well as their own CPX.

Inception is the pinnacle of science fiction and action, and it achieves this by merging the best of both into one of the best movies of all time CP. The movie pulls viewers in with its beautiful cinematography S. It is directed and produced by Christopher Nolan, the director of the immensely popular Dark Knight trilogy S. He brought his experience to this movie, and though the results are shots that are extremely dark and dramatic, they are also hauntingly beautiful CPX. But what keeps audiences on their seats is the plot that keeps viewers guessing what will come next, and it always catches the audience by surprise CPX. Together, both the directing and the story create a movie that is entertaining to watch many times X.

The movie is also helped by the talented actors S. Even though Leonardo DiCaprio has never won an Oscar, he is one of the greatest modern actors X. This action movie's cast is not usual, because it does not revolve around any single talented actor X. DeCaprio plays a spectacular character, but it is not his usual charismatic man CP. This leads to a protagonist who is more relate able to viewers S. They are able to connect with him because of ____, so they in turn become more invested emotionally into the movie CPX. The movie is a much richer experience as a result of the actors S.

Style Day 1- Inception Review

Who hasn’t dreamed of creating their own world, or being able to read and change the minds of others? How about being an international criminal mastermind pulling off the greatest heist of all time? Inception ties the fantasies of anyone who loves a good action movie into a mind-bending action packed thriller.

The story is of Dom Cobb, who uses military technology to perform corporate espionage in the one place that everyone thinks is safe, safer even than Fort Knox: their minds. Cobb is on the run from the American government, who falsely believe that he murdered his wife. Then he is approached by a powerful Japanese business man who offers to use his connections to have Cobb’s charges dropped, if he and his team can pull off the impossible act of inception. Instead of stealing an idea, Cobb has to devise a strategy to plant one in the mind of energy tycoon Robert Fischer. And so Cobb and his team have to dive deep into the mind of Fischer, facing unexpected enemies from both Fischer’s mind as well as their own.

Inception is the pinnacle of science fiction and action, merging the best of both into one of the best movies of all time. The movie pulls viewers in with its beautiful cinematography. It is directed and produced by Christopher Nolan, who also directed the immensely popular Dark Knight trilogy. He brought his experience to this movie, and the results are shots that are extremely dark and dramatic but also hauntingly beautiful. But what keeps audiences on their seats is the plot that keeps viewers guessing what will come next, and it always catches the audience by surprise. Together, both the directing and the story create a movie that is entertaining to watch many times.